Never Enough Time

One of my core fears is that I will never have enough time to accomplish what I want to. I have all these things...

  1. games I want to create
  2. music I want to write
  3. skills to learn or develop

and I'm deeply afraid I'll never accomplish any of them. They'll all just stay inside my head as abandoned dreams. I was feeling that a lot yesterday. It's not a great feeling.

I genuinely believe there are things in life more important then my "creative hobbies". But I still find myself anxious about "wasting time" while I'm playing with my son. I'll feel bad about spending time outside instead of working on my computer, and then the next day feel just as bad about not just enjoying a nice day. I'll look at my Bible and think "I should have spent more time reading that".

It's dumb.

Even as I type this out I feel the pressure in my chest that I should be doing something else. Something "more important".. like I got the order of importance of all possible actions wrong. Later today I'll make a list of all the things I want to accomplish, get the order right this time. I'll come up with a plan, I'll wake up early or stay up late. Maybe I'll check some things off the list.

This is also dumb.

The feeling of wasting the time I have on this planet will remain. Maybe I'm putting too much importance on leaving some sort of mark? Maybe I just need to be more content in the present, let go of leaving any mark? Scripture time and time again brings up the danger of focusing on the material. But does creating art or learning new skills count?

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.
This is from 1 Timothy 6. Note that I'm not intending this to be some sort of proof text.. It just hit a little different so I didn't want to forget it.

My pastor would probably have some good thoughts, I should talk with him

Heh guess I'll add that to the list.